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MAN.

THE LAST TIME I POSTED TO THIS I SERIOUSLY AND TRULY BELIEVED I WAS GONNA MARRY JOEL CRIBB.

I don't talk to him anymore.

I don't talk to a bunch of other boys anymore.

I want to believe I've gotten better than where I was last time I posted something to this journal, but let's be honest I'm just more queer and less monogamous. Have I become a better friend, have I gotten smarter or better at anything? I'm certainly not healthier, physically or mentally.

I've watched more Netflix. I'm more "#woke" Esther still likes me apparently, thank god for that.

Maybe I'm getting better, maybe I'm not. I don't know.

At least my life isn't anywhere near as bad as Gossip Girl.
Fuck this pit in the bottom of my stomach and this awful empty feeling.

I'm going on a walk and smoking my emergency cigarette.
HEY, YOU. STUPID COLLECTION OF ALL MY RANTS AND MISTAKES AND EVERY BAD THING THAT'S HAPPENED IN MY LIFE EVER. LET'S MAKE YOU A TINY BIT MORE OPTIMISTIC.

Because that would be just fucking mind-shattering.

NAW, DUDE, YOU'VE GOT AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW SO HERE. WE'RE GONNA MAKE A LIST OF THINGS THAT YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA BUY WHEN YOU GET A JOB. AND YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I SAID WHEN.

Also dude, fuckin' call Vons already fuck you I swear.

NO. NO NEGATIVITY. HAPPY.

Okay yeah fuck happy that's not happening any time soon BUT LET'S MAKE THE LIST ANYWAY.

-Top Coat
-Nail Polish Remover
-Maybe another bottle of the green tea exfoliating scrub, or just exfoliating scrub in general.
-A ring. You like those. They're pretty. You have a few on your amazon wishlist get one of those.
-If you have enough, a BlackMilk dress. Yeahman.
-Yellow Doc Martens 'cause fuck Joel and the tapestry ones he likes.
-Set aside like, 50 buck or something for some nice drooooogs.
-A dub. One that you will celebrate with.
-Harold and Maude Criterion Collection
-Fake clubmaster sunglasses.
-If you really wanna go crazy a pair of distressed ombre dyed shorts from like etsy.
-Baked Urban Decay Eye Shadow
-Another sketchbook seriously you need one.
-A crop top. Fuck yeah you get that.
-H&M dress/skirt okay you're getting a little superfluous here.
-Something from Nastygal. Comeon. Or Dollskill. Or 2020Ave.
-Maybe a new pair of colored skinny jeans.

Okay yeah that's totally it I can't even think of anything else I want. The turquoise shorts from target will come from my mom, fo sho.

Okay no I will not buy all those things fuck that I have groceries to buy next year. But a few of those. I really really want that Black Milk dress. And Harold and Maude but I can ask for that for a present or something.

Also you should get Amanda something for her birthday. But you are currently broke. Broke as hell. You can't draw her again, and you've missed an opportunity to do something with BenPals, figure something out. Take her to lunch or something.

OKAY. OPTIMISM. YEAH. REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE AN OPTIMIST? REMEMBER WHEN YOU LIKED THE WORLD AND SAW NO EVIL? REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING? YEAH YOU WERE A FUCKING IDIOT AND THIS DEPRESSING WORLD VIEW IS PROBABLY MORE ACCURATE BUT FUCK IT LET'S BE AWESOME TOMORROW. AND LET'S LIE LIKE HELL. AND LET'S CALL VONS YOU FUCKING FUCK. GOD.

Apr. 16th, 2012

THERE IS A BOY/MAN ON TUMBLR.

BEING SEXY WITH ME.

THIS IS NOT OKAY.
There's a kind of emotional weariness that you gain after being sad for a really long time. Even when it's broken up by moments of happiness here and there. When there's an over-arching sadness in your life, it wears you down even during the happy, bright moments.

I feel it now.

I don't think I've ever been tired of being sad. But that's exactly what I am. I'm so tired. So weary. It probably has to do with my lack of sleep last night and my disgustingly early mornings, but it's so much more than that. I'm trudging right now. Fighting, struggling, grasping helplessly at something I can't ever have.

And I'm tired from it. So, so tired. I'll get a wind again, I'll keep up this hopeless, worthless fight, but at what cost? I'm not sure.

Because I know giving up would be another kind of sadness. I know what kind of support I would need for that. I would need others, I'd need new people, I'd need strength from myself, and I'd need time. I'd need support for some unknown amount of time, and I don't want to seek that support right now. I don't feel comfortable just yet casting out into those waters. They are so unexplored and dark and I don't know if I have the equipment. I feel like I don't.

So I'll keep fighting. And the longer I fight the longer I feel I'll need later on to lick my wounds from this fight. Will I fight so long that I'll just crumble after stopping? Will I be able to pick up the dust I feel I'll become? I don't even know that. I thought I did.

I thought I'd be fine no matter what happened in my life but right now, in this weary state, with these languid movements and tired, shuttering sighs, I can't tell anymore. I hope I'll be okay. I hope the fight will be less of one. I really hope it will just diminish after my strength comes again, and slowly us two opponents will move towards peace. Maybe I'll find a new fight. Hopefully, next time, it won't be a fight.

I want to embrace this feeling, this dependency, this monstrosity. I want to enjoy it. But I can't enjoy this one. I can only fight it. I want, next time, to be comfortable, happy, maybe even familiar. This one is too new, too harsh, and too hurtful. I can't reconcile with it, it's why I fight it.

And I'm so tired of this fight. I don't know how else to complain about it. I'm frustrated, spent, ruined. But I can't do anything to stop. I can't let go. I don't want to. I'm so scared to.

I gave so much of myself to this fight. That's why it's owning me. I didn't even want to give all of myself away but I did. I didn't know that that first strike would become such a war. I didn't know I would lose all of myself to this. Why didn't I know? How did I not see it? Wasn't it obvious?

It was. I just never knew how deep in I would get. I never thought I couldn't get myself out. And now I'm trapped, just almost. Trapped between two choices. Fighting on, and jumping.

The jump is too scary. The fight, at least, is something I've gotten used to. The decision to fight doesn't diminish the wear on me, however.

I'm still so tired.
Okay so apparently he's going on a date with a girl this weekend and he wasn't actually back together with Hilary...

WHAT THE FUCK.

I can't. I just can't. I really really really fucking can't and I want to murder him. I mean, I'm just so mad right now.

I cried. So much. Sooooo much. What. The actual. Fuck.

And now it's like, okay, you can go on a date with another girl but you can't see me as a-- I just don't know what the fuck to do.

And I REALLY would like to get laid because Marissa's been bitching about it which makes me think about it and I AM GOING. TO MURDER YOU. PROPERLY AND PAINFULLY MURDER YOU.

Also this makes me more sad and I just want this to stop now.

I think I've become a bitch.

Like, I don't know. I have a lot of toxic feelings these days.

Like how I don't want anybody to fucking talk to me sometimes.

Or like how I think some people are soooooo fucking stupid.

Or like how I just fucking hated/loved the look on Kelly and Kevin's faces when they found out I went to a college party and whatevered it up. But fuck. Seriously. I was kidding around with Kevin, but Kelly looked like, fucking worried for me or something. Kevin took it better. Kelly. Fuck. It's actually hilarious. It's so goddamn hilarious. I mean, I like her, she's cool. But god, her face. She seemed so disapproving and just... fuck. Whatever. So many whatevers.

Also fucking people on fucking tumblr saying that people are perfect or whatever shit that's fucking hilarious. Nobody's perfect. And fuck even Benedict Cumberbatch, the man that I would do anything with isn't perfect.

Fuck Marta thinks I'm an alcoholic that's glorious. It's because all she ever hears from me is stuff about alcohol or whatever but that's because she doesn't hang out with me in any other context anymore, she's not here goddammit Elyse and Marissa know I'm not. Goddamn, people. Fucking people. I'm becoming a bitch, I just know it.

Fuck people. God, I don't want to be a bitch.

But I am so past caring about what people think. I'm in a goddamn rebellious phase. See all the swearing? I mean, there's no other time that I get to do this, really.

I need to start taking notes again. At least on social situations and shit.
I only ever come to you when something major "AUGH MY BRAIN" happens.

Fuck. Anyway.

So Jeff, right? Candace has been a crazy bitchbag to him lately. AND THEY'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. And I am sexually frustrated because I always am. But whatever. I talk to him last night, try and help him out. And offer to hang out with him. Because hanging out with friends makes things better usually. So I say I'll go to his house. WHICH I NEVER WANTED TO DO, BECAUSE SHIT LIKE THIS HAPPENS.

Whatever. So I'm over there, we're hanging out, watching comedy and stuff. We kinda get to cuddling after his mom leaves. But then she comes back, we cuddle less because well yeah. And then she leaves again. Then we get to cuddling again. And then. AND THEN. FUCKING AND THEN.

He kisses me. And I let him because he's been nuzzling my neck and that is my FUCKING SPOT THAT WE HAVE DISCOVERED. AND OH MY GOD. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Anyways. He kisses me, whatever. I don't care, I kiss him back. Why? BECAUSE I AM CONSTANTLY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. JESUS CHRIST.

And and and. We're making out. He offers to go to his bed, but like the smart woman I am I decline because I am NOT stupid. We keep making out. And SHIT, he does this thing where he kisses my neck and THAT IS MY SPOT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, GODDAMMIT?! And he does this weird thing that I don't like that's basically dry humping. Goddammit, dry humping is the most awkward thing ever. He probably adores it but I don't, I try to dissuade him, but whatever I honestly don't care. The thing is, he gets to my boobs and FUCKING HELL, THIS HAPPENED. I mean, he's been kissing my neck and he gets to my boobs and I'm not gonna lie, getting your chest kissed if not bad. At all. Even them being groped is fine. Ugh, I kind of didn't want him to but it's better than that god awful dry humping and I mean, it's fine it feels nice and... shit. This whole thing. My life. God. Oh oh oh. He also did this thing where he used his leg and it was between my legs and I just. Idunno. I think I'm glad that my skirt had shorts under because if it was just my funderwear... fuckfuckfuck. Fuckityfuckfuckery. And he asked to use his hands but I said no and he obliged but shit if I might let him next time.

AND THAT'S THE THING. NEXT TIME. LIKE, REALLY, SELF? NEXT TIME?! ARE WE THINKING ABOUT THIS? OF COURSE WE ARE, WE ARE CONSTANTLY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. Ughhhhh, so I have a fuck buddy now? Because afterwards, when I finally pulled myself from him and I had to get going 'cause I did... I mean. I knew I had to tell him that it wasn't like I wanted a relationship or anything. And I'm kinda leaving as I'm trying to tell him and Like shit, he kisses me. But I get it out. Something about "only a physical thing" and he's like, "I wouldn't want it any other way." And I'm like, "Cool." Because AS THE GIANTEST OF SLAGS, I AM QUITE HAPPY TO FIND A FUCKBUDDY. And that ASSHOLE grabs my butt after I leave. And while we were making out, BUT I WAS MORE FOCUSED ON MY BOOBS.

GOD. DAMN. IT.

I was yelling at myself in the car the whole way home. BUT. Ditching my previous morals and taking on a new set of, "Fuck the rules, I do what I want!" set of morals, this is okay. These morals are the ones that let me cuddle with Joel and drink while I'm still underage and they're the ones that let me LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE. So I think I'm okay. Maybe.

Problem is, that my goody-two-shoes morals keep coming in to play and I don't want them in my sandbox of young adulthood! They're for adolescence and they think stoners are lame when some stoners are the sweetest of people. SO THERE, YOUNGER SELF. DEAL WITH IT.

I got to second base today. WHATISMYLIFEBECOMING.

ALSOWHYDOIHAVEAVAGINA.SHIT.

You know what's interesting?

This is the only place that I can publicly whine about stuff. If I do it on facebook, all my friends know. But here there's like... no one. Pretty sweet.

GODDAMMIT LO KISSED THE HOT GUY FROM FABLES AND TALES. HE LIKED ANIME. HE WAS GONNA GET INTO DOCTOR WHO. HE WAS FUCKING HOT AS THE LOWEST PITS OF HELL AND A NERDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!

If I have to dissolve my friendship with Lo to get this guy... I do not mind. He's gorgeous.

Does that say something about me? That I'm going to use Lo, who looks at me as if I were the sun and the moon, to get closer to the hot guy and then use my charms that made Lo adore me so much to make hot guy like me over her?

Nawwwwww, it says something about how pretty hot guy is.

Yeah, let's go with that.

P.S. Hot guy's name seems to be Connor... or something.

Hahahahahaaaaaaaahhhhhh....

So I never post anything here anymore. However, I -love- seeing old posts about things. Like, they remind me of how I was, how life was, and all that shiz.

So can I just say that I love college? 'Cause college is great. And I love it. It is really soooooo much better than high school, and sure, all of my morning classes put me to sleep, but who cares?! I'm kicking major ass!

Let's talk about the weekend.

So on Friday, Marissa and Kevin's friend Mimi came to the school, and hung out. It was pretty chill. Like, we watched Whip It, which is a fun movie, and just sortof... hung out in our room. Eventually Caitlin and Lo hung out, too. And we stayed up for a rather long time. Like, until 2:45 or so. Which, in hindsight, wasn't the best idea ever, but who cares? Caitlin and Kevin stayed over (with Mimi too, of course) and Lo went to her own room to sleep. So Caitlin and I were sleeping head to toe, and poor Marissa, Mimi, and Kevin were all bunched up on her bed. Not the best sleep of my life, for sure.

Caitlin and I went to breakfast in the morning. And by morning, I mean 1:00 or so. We watched everyone else go to the Haight and then Caitlin went to her sorority thing. [gigglesnort] I hung out in my own room until Marissa and Mimi got back, and even then I just hun 'cause the two were kinda napping. In the evening or something, we went to the Cantina to eat, brought it back up, and hung out with some floormates for a while. It wasssss.... Elyse, Joel, Erica, Sam, and I think some boy named Mike. And we watched Donnie Darko. Then at like, 11:30, they wanted to go on a walk and when that crew goes on a walk, they take a while. So I went to bed.

Or not. Instead, I talked to Kaleb for 5 hours. Seriously, we stopped at 4:30 when Mimi got back. And then I took a shower and then went the fuck to sleep. Which brings us to today. I woke up at 1:00, got dressed, and went to Esther's birthday party thing. I haven't hung with her for like, a few days so it was nice. And I got to go to Union Square, which I think is lovely. And got food. Which will be my lunch/dinner for tomorrow.

And nooooooooooooooooooooooow I'm just chillin'. Watchin' some Boys Before Flowers. I love korea.

GOODNIGHT. FUTURE SELF WHO IS READING THIS.